[WoW] Class Rivalries satire (long!)

[Magi]

I laughed really really hard. This is from the WoW general forums at https://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/t...&T=3929902&P=1 but since they wipe after a while I figure I'd better re-post so we don't lose it :P I have to agree with the points made about priests and paladins (although I have yet to play a paladin) as well as mages. Enjoy or hate as you will :D

Caydiem: Welcome to the first monthly CM meeting in the Moonglade! This is a special opportunity for the community to interact with the CMs on a personal level.
Rogue: First.
Mage: First!
Warrior: Fourth?
Hunter: Nerf Shamans!
Shaman: Shamans are fine! Learn to play your class!
Hunter: Funny how only Shamans ever say that...
Rogue: Your MOM knows how to play her class.
Warlock: Shouldn't you be off fixing classes instead of interacting with the community?
Eyonix: The first item on the list of topics is the subject of Mage Invisibility.
Mage: Yeah! Will we ever get that back?
Eyonix: During the beta, Mages used invisibility to suddenly blast players for thousands of damage with little or no warning. We felt this was overpowered and this is why we removed it before the game went live...
*Rogue's Ambush crits Mage for 2238*
*Mage is afflicted by Kidney Shot*
*Rogue's Backstab crits Mage for 1159*
*Mage Dies*
Eyonix: ...so we hope you will understand why Invisibility was removed from the game. Are there any more questions from the mages? Anyone? Alright, then, lets move on.
Caydiem: A new change being implemented in the next major patch is that Druid's shapeshifting will now clear all negative status effects, including magic, curse, bleed, poison, disease, snares, stuns, roots, itching, sneezing, coughing, runny nose, insomnia, hair loss, pimples, black plague, world hunger, polio, cancer, gangrene, the 80's, lice, ADHD, and mental retardation. However, it will not remove the daze effect because this would be overpowered.
Warlock: WTF, my class relies on debuffs to deal damage. How am I supposed to take druids now!?
Druid: Learn to play your class, noob.
Shaman: Hey, thats MY line!
Druid: Sorry.
Rogue: WTF, my class relies on ADHD to deal damage! How am I supposed to take Druids now?
Eyonix: Please keep in mind that WoW is not balanced around one on one PvP. The developers envision the Warlock as a class that is very powerful at losing in PvP, and very important for select encounters in Molten Core. For the most part, they are satisfied with your ability to fill this role.
Caydiem: In response to complaints about endgame viability of Druid's cat form, the attack power bonus is being increased from 120 to 125. The developers believe this will make the cat a more appealing choice for high level druids.
Rogue: WTF Blizzard? 5 more AP for Druids? Thats like .3 DPS! Are you trying to make Rogues even MORE useless in Molten Core?
Druid: Will we ever get a skill like the Priest's Fade, or an out of combat rez?
Priest: STFU Druid! You can have Fade when we get Innervate!
Rogue: Your MOM has Innervate!
Caydiem: The developers are happy with the Druid class's healing abilities as they are. There are no plans to implement Fade or an out of combat rez for Druids. As always, I will keep you informed if I recieve any new information.
Druid: Thanks Cay, You're the best!
Caydiem: Thanks guys! I try!
Fangtooth: Hold on a sec guys, let me change my forum sig real quick.
*Fangtooth has gone AFK*
Eyonix: Next up are Hunters
Caydiem: Hunters are at the top of the developer's list right now, even though we just talked about Mages and Druids first. Currently there are plans to make pets more diverse and useful in both PvP and PvE. The devs are also investigating the possibility of changing the way the dead zone works, but unfortunately I cannot give you any specifics. You can expect changes to your class to occur slowly over the next few patches, and to be outpaced by other class changes. However, rest assured the devs are not ignoring you.
Eyonix: Now to you, Fangtooth.
Fangtooth: ...
Eyonix: Fangtooth?
*Fangtooth is no longer AFK*
Fangtooth: Oops, sorry. I'm back. What classes do I represent again? Oh right, Paladins and Priests? I had Priests, right? "Represent" is a pretty weird word, don't you think?
Priest: A better word would be "neglect".
Fangtooth: Thanks for the correction guys! I'm new to this priest stuff. Right now I'm farming Blackfathom Deeps for my Illusionary Staff. Hey by the way can priests learn to use daggers? Where would I go to train that?
Priest: Um... right. Okay. We have some concerns... specifically that the Holy tree is not only monotonous, it's downright weak compared to the other two... and--
Fangtooth: I think Shadow is a great tree! I just got Mind Wave! Or was it Mind Stun?
Paladin Shadow priests own everything! Always! Nerf Shadow Priests!
Priest: You mean Mind Flay? Thats great Fang. So, about Psychic Scream... given that everyone seems to hate fear, including the developers, we aren't really comfortable having it as our only defensive spell that works in PvP. Can we maybe see some new options? Perhaps making Fade do something in PvP?
Fangtooth: The developers do not feel that giving everyone a trinket that instantly breaks fear is going to have a significant impact on the classes that rely on fear to survive. Remember, if you are getting attacked, you can always use fear and send everyone running!
Priest: You just disproved your own point! That was at least six logical fallacies!
Fangtooth: I think its time to change my sig again.
Priest: Do you plan on fixing the Vampiric Embrace bug?
Eyonix: Bug? I don't know of any bug. Did you report it?
Priest: I paged a GM...
Eyonix: Haha, thats not how you report a bug!
Fangtooth: Where have you BEEN, man?
Priest: I'm sorry?
Eyonix: The proper way to report a bug is to figure out a way to exploit it, and use it to your advantage. As soon as someone reports the exploit, it'l be hotfixed within 24 hours.
Priest: Oh... I see. But... how can I exploit the fact that Vampiric Embrace is healing less than it is supposed to?
Fangtooth: ... so the other day I dueled this hunter two levels above me with my Priest... I was like, "mrglglglgahhh" and he was like "whoooa" and I was like "SMITE!" and he was like "WING CLIP" and I was like "Healing Wave!" and he was like "ARROWED!" and then I was like "LEEEeeeeRoyyyyYY!"
Everyone: That's not funny anymore.
Eyonix: Props for creative use of capital letters though...
Fangtooth: Thanks Eyo, you get PW:F!
Fangtooth: Anyway, In response to the fact that the Holy tree is worthless, we're going to make Holy Nova have a 60 second cooldown instead of 5 seconds. No wait, just kidding, 30 seconds. And now instead of reducing aggro, it just doesn't generate any. I think that's what they told me to tell you. I hope this addresses your concerns. Now I will ignore your class forum for the next 9 weeks. Goodbye!
Priest: Bummer. Guess I'll be speccing shadow.
Warrior: Idiot! Your job is to heal! All priests should go Holy from day one!
Priest: Yeah, sortof like all warriors go Protection since your job is tanking. Oh, wait...
Fangtooth: What does PW:F stand for?
Warrior: I'm Arms/Fury!
Priest: Who'd have guessed?
Fangtooth: I love my job!
Mage: Nerf Dispel Magic!
Priest: Oh, shut up. You got Mage Armor.
Mage: Which is dispellable!
Rogue: Your MOM is dispellable.
Priest: We ask Fangtooth for mana regeneration so we can use spirit, our main stat... and what happens? Next patch, they give Mage Armor. To Mages.
Paladin: Hey, Priest. These forums aren't about sound reasoning or logical posts. Its just about who can shout the loudest!
Warrior: Yeah, that worked for us!
Mage: We needed Mage Armor! Aside from Conjure Water, Arcane Meditation, Evocation, and Mana Gems, our class has NO WAY to regenerate mana!
Priest: Boy, sounds like its a hard knock life for Mages when it comes to mana.
Fangtooth: I think I'm supposed to be representing some other class too, right? Was it Shamans?
Eyonix: No Fang, I got Shamans. Remember when the CM's played Rock Paper Scissors and you lost? Thats why you have to represent Paladins.
Fangtooth: That wasn't fair though! You Earth Shocked me in the middle of the game! I meant to do scissors!
Eyonix: Earth Shock is fair and you know it! Besides, it has a cooldown, so that makes it fair.
Caydiem: Yeah, Eyonix totally ninja looted the shaman class. It was "N" for all the CMs, but he ninja'd them and hearthed. Greedy *%&@#. Now we don't let him in the office Baron raids anymore. Hey... speaking of which... anyone want to help kill Rivendare? Full on rogues and pallies! Healers needed!
Priest: I already have four Devout Skirts with various libram enchants...

[Magi]

Fangtooth: Pal...uh...din... Are those still in the game?
Eyonix: Its like a Shaman, only its Alliance and it doesn't have Earthbind Totems.
Paladin: Or shocks.
Eyonix: Shamans have beefier heals too. No pun intended.
Fangtooth: No Earthbind? How do they LIVE?
Paladin: Actually, living is about the only thing we do well.
Fangtooth: Oh, right, right. I remember now. Yeah. Whats that one spell they use? Seal of Windfury? Or was it Command Aura. The one that makes them do damage.
Paladin: Seal of Command.
Fangtooth: Oh Right! That's it! The Command Totem! Um... the developers aren't changing it. Working as intended.
Paladin: Oh... okay.
Fangtooth: The purpose of the Paladin is to flip out and kill-- wait... No, thats rogues. Oh, yes. The purpose of the Paladin is to become invincible and annoy the ninjas.
Rogue: Thats ME!
Fangtooth: That means the Paladin is a Holy Warrior. No wait, Holy Supporter. Or was it Holy Buffer? *looks over at Eyonix*
Eyonix: (whispering to Fangtooth) We're just calling them defensive hybrids now.
Fangtooth: (whispering to Eyonix) I must have missed the memo.
Paladin: But... the class description said Holy Warrior!
Warrior: If you wanted to be a warrior, why did you roll a Paladin, moron?
Paladin: I just wanted to have fun and--
Warrior: Thats what I thought. Learn to play your class noob. Your job is to buff me so I can hurt things better. And leave the epic loot to people who can put it to good use.
Fangtooth: The developers believe you fill your role well by cleansing debuffs, which annoys the real support classes, healing your party for miniscule amounts, which annoys the real healers, and occasionally drawing aggro when your Blessing of Command... thingy... goes off, which annoys the real tanks. As such, the developers feel that aside from a few minor issues, the Paladin class is working as intended.
Shaman: So really, the best description would be "Holy pain in the #@&".
Eyonix: No... Well, okay, yes. I guess you got us there.
Paladin: Gee, thanks.
Warlock: At least you can shield+hearth
Paladin: Once an HOUR!
Warlock: STILL!
Paladin: My rogue alt can beat up your rogue alt.
Warlock: My alt is a shaman!
Paladin: ...crap. Well... I can shield+hearth!
Warlock: Once an HOUR!
Fangtooth: Well.. time for me to head out.
Priest: Wait, Fangtooth! What about Spirit? Why do priest's have no special skills that make use of our primary stat?
Fangtooth: I don't think I ever represented you... did I?
Priest: You have a Priest toon!
Fangtooth: Oh, you mean my shadow mage? Hold on, I need to change my sig again.
*Exit Fangtooth*
Priest: I think I need to join some kind of post-Fangtooth support group...
Paladin: Count me in.
*Exit Paladin*
Eyonix: Hey, at least the Paladins take those fast 2H weapons that nobody else wants... like the Shadowstrike... and the Arcanite Champion.
Warrior: Yeah, I guess that is a plus. I'd hate to have to take a Shadowstrike as my epic on a pickup MC raid.
Mage: Dude, giving Shadowstrike to a Paladin is a waste of perfectly good shards. Those things sell for like... four gold!
Hunter: Thats a hunter weapon!
Rogue: Stupid greedy @#$ hunter noob ninja. You punks roll on everything. Caster necks, daggers, Polearms, 2H axes...
Eyonix: Its a well known fact that everything is wasted on Hunters.
Hunter: Hey! Stop perpetuating the stereotype! I almost never roll on staffs.
Warlock: (mutters something about an aimed shot crit)
Hunter: (mutters something about a one in a million chance)
Warlock: (mutters something about farming soul shards)
Eyonix: Hey! Is that a warlock? Look everyone! A warlock!
*Crowd oohs and aahs*
Eyonix: I didn't we still had people playing those. You should get a historic vehicle license plate for that toon. You guys are like collectors items these days.
Warlock: Sorry, I can't wear plate.
Eyonix: Oh, too bad you're not a Shaman... they're getting plate next patch to bring them up on par with Paladins.
Paladin: (yelling from somewhere off the stage) WHAT?!
Eyonix: Hah! Just kidding.
Paladin: Not Funny.
*Caydiem's cell phone begins to ring*
Caydiem: Sorry guys, I have a meeting with the devs about how to improve Druids. Gotta go!
*Exit Cadiem*
Eyonix: Anyway, we're just wanted to reassure you that the developers ARE indeed in the pre-planning stages of thinking about possibly implementing an in-house test that involves some sort of soul shard bag. Well, not really a bag. Actually, it's really more of a purse. And it has to be equipped in the off hand. And if you leave the shards in it too long, they start to melt through the bottom of the purse... and then you have to pay a tailor to repair it. And if you don't it eventually starts dropping soul shards out onto the ground... and once they touch the ground, the spoil, just so you know. But the animation for them falling out looks really cool. Oh yeah, and the purse itself has to be summoned... which costs two shards. And it disappears after you log out. Also, carrying the bag applies the Weakened Soul debuff, so you can't be shielded by a priest while you are using the Soul Purse. Anyway I hope you like the idea! We'll be sure to tell you more about the soul purse before we scrap the idea and then reinvent it in a way that more explicitly benefits Shamans. Obviously, the inconvenience of having to carry 20 or more shards shards pales in comparison to having to carry four reusable totems and a couple reagents.
Warlock: Is that all?
Eyonix: Hmm... well, we're thinking about giving them Bloodthirst back as well.
Warlock: I meant is that all for the WARLOCKs?
Eyonix: Oh, right. Well, we're also adding a new talent in Demonology that allows you to further enlarge the... er... features... of the succubus. With a full 5 points, it requires an additional soul shard to summon her, due to all the extra, um... mass. But again, she looks really cool, so its totally worth it.
Warlock: Wow, that'll get me into a lot of pickup groups with 14 year olds... Especially since the succubus is sooooo useful in groups. Thanks!
Mage: Hey, thats not fair, now the 14 year olds will never take mages for AoE anymore!
Priest: I wish I would stop getting stuck in groups with 14 year olds...
Rogue: Hey, some 14 year olds are more mature than some adults!
Priest: Yeah, "Some."
Rogue: WHOA, look at that succubus! How does she even stand up?
Shaman: Hey, I kindof liked that plate armor idea. And stackable totems would be great, now that you mention it.
Eyonix: I'll pass that along to the devs at my next meeting.
Shaman: Any idea how long that will be?
Eyonix: We have Shaman meetings every Tuesday and Thursday.
Warlock: What about other classes?
Eyonix: Hmm, lets see... Rogues are Wednesday mornings, Druids are Friday afternoons, Paladins we have on the second Monday of odd numbered months... unless we feel like going out for coffee, in which case we skip them. Warriors don't have a weekly meeting, but we dedicated a whole month to them a little while back and they're pretty much happy now. Oh, and everyone else gets lumped into the monthly company picnic where the devs just randomly make changes to those classes based on whatever they happen to overhear us CM's chatting about in between bites of Quizno's toasted subs.
Warrior: Hey, just curious, how do those meetings usually work?
Eyonix: Well, whenever there is a proposed change to a class or ability, we have to think about "the big picture". Unlike players, we have to worry about the larger scale of game balance that could be thrown off by even the slightest mistake. With that in mind, the first question we ask is "How will this change affect Shamans?". From there, its a simple matter of implementation and testing. For example, what other game have any of you played that has a capture the flag gametype wherein one team has the ability to drop an item that slows all enemy players within a large area to half speed, while the other side gets nothing? As far as we can tell, WoW is the only game that gives this ability to one team but not the other. This may seem unfair at first, but it is important to remember that nobody forces you to play on any specific team. In the end, it really came down to the single unifying question that determines all gameplay balance decisions: "Will this benefit the Shaman?" The answer to this question, of course, is 42.
Shaman: Hey, thats good to know. I noticed that while shamans are hybrids, we don't have the ability to stealth like rogues and druids do.
Eyonix: We're waaay ahead of you. I can't give details yet, but lets just say that you'll be very pleased with patch 1.7. But with that out of the way, lets get back to class issues. Lets see... what do we have left? Rogues, Shamans, and Warriors... any questions?
Rogue: ... Well, um. Us rogues have suffered in obscurity for months now... see, we have major class problems. For example, many rogues are nearly ready to slit their wrists over the fact that the dagger build just isn't quite as good as the sword build. Worse still, recent data suggests that the fist weapon build might even be inferior to the dagger build. These are the kinds of game-breaking issues us rogues have had to deal with while other classes are getting pointless tweaks such as having their primary stat made useful to them...
Priest: Actually, they never fixed that for us. They gave it to mages instead.
Mage: And it can be dispelled!
Priest: For the love of mana, shut UP. Nobody CARES.

[Magi]

Rogue: ...while all those poor rogues who are specced for fist weapons are just wasting away in the shadows... Second complaint: It took me.. like... six... no wait... seven tries to get the Barman Shanker. That was like, wayyyy boring, and it made me late to school once. Please make it drop 100% of the time.
Priest: Oh, boy, I feel sooo sorry for you poor fist weapon rogues.
Rogue: Not only that, but in the endgame, Eviscerate, being flat damage, becomes less and less useful due to the fact that weapon damage has no effect on it.
Mage: Imagine if you had a whole skill book full of flat damage abilities...
Rogue: Boy, would that suck. I'm glad its only one of my abilities...
Mage: Oh, the irony...
Rogue: You know, sometimes I get this feeling when people are talking... I feel like words are going over my head, and I'm not really understanding them.
Mage: You should try wearing more INT gear. How much do you have now?
Rogue: How much what?
Mage: Intellect. Look at your character screen.
Rogue: Oh... INT. I have 26.
Mage: Whoa, thats really low... No wonder you have no idea what anyone is talking about... I have like 400 INT and I can understand Orcish!
Rogue: Hey, maybe I'll try that... do you think lots of INT would go well with a fist weapon build?
Priest: Definitely.
Rogue: How could I get more INT.
Priest: I'm partial to Magisters... but if you want to stick to leather for the AC, you might want to try out Wildheart.
Rogue: Wildheart has air conditioning? Wow! Thanks for the tips guys!
*Exit Rogue*
Eyonix: Hey, that just leaves Warriors and Shamans. What do you think of your class?
Warrior: Oh, me? I'm cool. I'm just here for the free food afterwards. I have an Arcanite Reaper... so I'm fine. Thanks for asking though.
Eyonix: Is that it?
Warrior: Yep.
Eyonix: Alright, last but not least, the Shaman.
Hunter: Anyone else find it ironic that at this point, they haven't even brought Shamans up as an official topic yet, but they still managed to promise them more buffs than all other classes combined?
Warlock: Huh? Oh, right. Yeah, I got used to that a while ago. Its just the way things are.
Shaman: Well, basically, I think I'd like to get a class trinket that does the same thing as Arcane Power. Yeah. And maybe some new icons. Oh right, and the Air Totem quest is really dull.
Priest: Wait... you guys have class quests? Whats a class quest? How come I don't have any class quests?
Fangtooth: You got class racials instead!
Priest: Yeah, thanks. Elune's Grace is a real consolation to me. Why don't you just call it "Purge Shielding" so people know to hide their good buffs underneath it.
Shaman: Oh, right, and Healing wave is weak. So is Chain Heal.
Eyonix: Tell you what, we'll buff up healing wave to make it like Greater Heal, only with a shorter cast time. Then we'll make Chain Heal into something more like Prayer of Healing, only we'll give it a 50% chance to crit.
Priest: Wait, I have a bad feeling about this!
Eyonix: Also, we're giving Shamans a level 60 epic quest that allows them to earn an epic Ghost Wolf spell, similar to Warlock's and Paladin's epic mounts. The Spirit Wolf spell will be similar to Ghost Wolf, only it will increase speed by 70% instead of 40%. The Spirit Wolf cannot be dispelled, and automatically comes with true invisibility, water walking, and slow fall. It is immune to polymorph, and it can be reactively used to break polymorph. It can be instant cast using natures swiftness.
Shaman: Wait, water walking? What if I want to swim?
Eyonix: Thats why we're giving you a swimming travel form as well!
Shaman: Cool! But the important question is... will the Spirit Wolf form have a dancing animation?
Eyonix: Yes.
Druid: NO FAIR! CAYDIEM!
Caydiem: What is it, baby?
Shaman: Whoa, I thought she left!
Eyonix: She is magical. She does this to us at the office. It creeps us out.
Druid: I want a dancing epic travel form tooooo!
Caydiem: Consider it done, my blessed child.
Priest: Maaan, some classes get the coolest CM's
Fangtooth: Hey guys, I can burp the ABC's in a murloc voice!
Priest: Please someone, kill me now.
Shaman: Will the Spirit Wolf have the ability to fly?
Eyonix: Yes, the Spirit Wolf will have the ability to fly for a limitied period of time.
Shaman: Aww, limited? I know you can do better, Eyonix...
Eyonix: Also, casting any lightning spell such as Lightning Bolt, Lightning Shield, and Chain Lightning will not break stealth.
Warlock: Wait, you're giving them STEALTH?
Eyonix: Curses, they're onto us!
Shaman: We'd better switch to our secret code language!
Eyonix: [Shamanese] Okk moggi frenn della.
Shaman: [Shamanese] Zat! [Hand of Ragnaros]!
Hunter: Hunter weapon!
Mage: Alright, this is getting really weird.
Priest: Since when do they get their own LANGUAGE?
*Shaman begins to cast Portal to Developer Island*
*Exit Eyonix and Shaman*
Caydiem: Well... I guess that's that. This concludes the meeting!
*Exit Priest, Hunter, Rogue, Druid, Caydiem, Fangtooth, Mage, and Warrior.*
Warlock: Buff Warlocks please.
Warlock: Bump.
Warlock: Wow... 18 views and still no responses...
Warlock: Bump.
Shaman: Learn to play your class, noob.

[Modem]

Rofl. Didn't read a heck of a lot (first page), but that druid thing sounds hillarious. That's oh so true though the way the devs handle these things.

[CaptainKurt]

Parts of it were pretty amusing... Though, since I long ago gave up on the "official forums" like I did in SWG. Not up to speed on all the B&M'ing. Or, really care to be.

No game shall ever make everyone happy.

Mages with Fly and Invis. in Beta was Dam Sweet though..

[n0mad9]

I lol'd

good points about mmo's in general

[TeKniX]

Now they just need to fix problems with ice block/ice barrier, blink, arcane missiles, arcane explosion, presence of mind, frostbolt reacting with curse of elements, and since the new patch polymorph is broken.